Friday, May 12, 2006
Listening to Stan by Eminem right now. It is the collaborated version between Elton John and Em. Outside of my window, I can see it is raining right now. Seems like a scene right out of the some soap opera ain't it? Thinking about it, my life is just like a TV show right now, with so many things happening to me. It definitely has an essence of a show, I'm like the main actor in the show, going through so much shit at a time. However, I'm oblivious to all these things, I'm still going through the same routine day by day. Drinking booze, partying like crazy, get back home at around 7am, puke, then drop dead on my bed till late afternoon. Then at night, I'll go and drink some more again.
Many friends have told me, why am I wasting so much money on booze, cigarettes and whatever things.. I have no answer even to myself, you guys think I have an answer to you? I'm definitely someone who can't stand loneliness at all. To put it bluntly, my house is just like a hotel to me. I have a caring family. I know.. but then looking at my parent's failed marriage, my sister's shitty marriage(my point of view la), my brother ain't staying with me therefore I don't really know much, except the fact that he's gonna be an air steward with SIA soon. I don't see anything positive about my surroundings recently..
Me? Just the stupid soldier, leading on life meaninglessly. I see no purpose at all. My friends love to whine to me because I always have an advice or two for them. With me, there's always alternatives around the problem. The ironical part to it is, I don't even have an answer to my own problems. So am I being a hyprocrite? No. I guess. It's dangerous to lead a life without a purpose, that's what I learnt in church in the past before I backslid. I still do remember the many quotes of Pastor Kong. They really did motivate me at times when I'm down, but only to a certain extent.
I thought of this, am I on the road to depression? Not really I guess. Life really went downhill from the point Miss Q left me I think. It opened the doors of total obsession with self indulgence for me. The parties, the glam factor, the feeling of being known around, the feeling of getting picked up, the drunken stupor that I get myself into. It makes me numb to be honest.
Life's such a bitch for me, but this bitch bites hard on me. No worries, I'll break her jaw soon. I always do. :)
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Daniar
27th Sept 1984
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